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A short list of Animals, that I casually believe don't actually exist

Number 1, Giraffes. No way dude, your telling me that somewhere in Africa there's these 40 foot tall monsters with long ass necks and orange polka dots? That's ridiculous. Dawg, do I look like an idiot? I don't believe that shit, not even for a minute.













Look at thing, in the wild they defend themselves by slamming their fucking head around like a wrecking ball and straight blasting lions through the air like one of those circus carnies shooting out of a cannon. Also it's got a blue tung. Calling Bullshit.



Number 2, Worms. How did they make it this far? Its a squishy pink tube that eats dirt, no eyes no ears. Just a mouth and an asshole. This thing is basically just an intestine that got out and decided to be it's own animal. Wild.





Number 3, I don't even know why I'm numbering these, their not in any particular order and I don't have a target number that I'm trying to get to. Numbering the list just kinda made it seem more official in my head, gives it the illusion of being organized when in reality I was just moderately hopped up on caffeine and thinking about animals and decided that at least 10% of them bullshit. Anyway number three, Jellyfish. Get some organs bro.



You can click that button up there, and it'll probably do something.






Number 4, nah I think that's it for now. Nothing is really ringing any bells at the moment. Most of the other animals seem believable to me. I mean mushrooms if that counts as an animal. It's more an animal than it is a plant.


Mushrooms are rad as hell, they're like a little magic brain that grows out of the ground and if you eat it you learn the secrets of the universe. The big secret is that nothing is real, perception is reality and you have to live in whatever simulation your brain creates from the input five senses detect but if you stop to think about it for a little bit, it's pretty wild that anything exists at let alone a universe this complex. I think its pretty sweet, keep on existing, moving forward in linear time on a giant blue rock hurling through space at million miles per hour around a giant nuclear ball fire.





That's a picture of a mushroom right there. that's a living thing that exists. I wonder if it's sentient. what are the odds we're the only ones?




Number 5, Stars. If you you believe those science dorks then evolution is how we got here. SO take it back far enough our ancestors where single celled organisms. But that's not when things started existing. Those single celled little shits evolved from a bunch proteins and amino acids, which are just molecules, atoms of elements that happened to connect in just the right way to figure out how to prolong their own existence. Those atoms where formed in stars.



So let for hypothetical sake assume that the theory of evolution is correct, if we can trace our lineage back far enough we where all at one point stars, that's why to me it makes just as much sense that those celestial entities where also conscious beings, back then that's what the universe was, pure energy. Over the years it has gotten more complex. In a billion years who knows what it'll be, I hope its some thing cool like an electric guitar.


Number 5, Electric guitars. Van Halen, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Lynyrd Skynyrd. Need I say more.


Music is also alive, there's something to it. Investigate your mystery whatever it is. Peace out dudes and dudettes, I'll see you in the dream world.

-Pat



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